the weekend has drawn to a close and thus begins another week in december. i have remained stationary in my inactive state for months now... learning as time passed, new aspects of my personality and re-discovering hidden flaws, fears and inconsistensies in my faith, beliefs and prejudices. how i wish i could be out there, in the corporate world, serving the community, earning a livelihood... but that is not to be. God, it seems, has decided not to make things seem so easy for me. "Make every stumbling block the foreshadow of victory" or so the old adage says but for each step I falter, I find it even harder to move forward.. as if I'm trying to wade through a pool of quicksand.. sucking me in deeper into a morass of filth & decadence.
i have to thank those who have shared wif me their perceptions and experiences on the elusive subject of "love" in one of my previous entries. it is comforting to know that you're not alone in your disillusionment yet in a perverse way, its also even more depressing when i draw the inevitable conclusion: "love" hurts almost everyone. Those wifout it, yearn for it and wif evry fibre of their being, wish to drown in the torrents of passion that other lovers embrace. Those wif it, or are seemingly "in love" are disillusioned by it; at times basking in the warm afterglow while at others, seething in hurt, anger or grieving over unmet expectations.
LOVE is indeed a transforming thing: so easily it evades meaning yet so many individuals try to shape it, to define it, in terms their minds can understand. But LOVE cannot be defined.. no.. it cannot be LIMITED by words. it is a thing of contradictions and of contraries.. and one thing i know, it takes great courage to LOVE and i salute those who have made "sacrifices" for it. And, i admit, even after having said all this, i still do not fully understand it myself. i probably could not recognize it even if it was right under my nose.. ;)
"it is not what other people can do for you that counts; it's what You can do for other people." This used to be the motto i carried in life. I have changed.. I have long ago realized that it does not pay to be too generous. Thus i have grown self-centred & selfish; weighing out decisions wif a cold, cost-benefit precision which at times, is frighteningly inhuman & materialistic... and i have no regrets. Is this a bad thing? Is this my way of retaliating towards a world that does not give me the opportunity to be myself???
and now, i wake up everyday wif a hollowness inside of me which makes me feel incomplete. I am searching for the lost puzzle piece in my life; where do i start? perhaps, like all people in situations such as these, i am only lacking the ONE thing that matters most; COURAGE.. to believe I can do more with my life than what I think I'm only just capable of.
