i was lying in bed just now trying to sleep (after putting down the fone wif faizal) and a strange thought came to me. Or rather, i suddenly remembered about an ally mcbeal episode which i saw like EONS ago & a statement which became engraved in my mind thereafter;
"Sometimes the worst thing for someone's heart could be loneliness... "
i forgot why exactly calista flockhart's character said that line but even out of context, the aforesaid quote, i think, holds a tremendous amount of truth. Loneliness can be a dangerous affliction & even linkin park agrees wif me;
"I wanna heal; I wanna feel;
like I'm close to something real.
I wanna find something I've wanted all along;
Somewhere I belong... "
someone once explained to me that the reason why most people look for love & a relationship is because of their need to find a sense of belonging. In a relationship, that sense of belonging is exclusive; held together by emotions of affection which can be translated as "love". A relationship is therefore the highest echelon of "belonging" attainable by most individuals. those in a relationship may find themselves experiencing not only great joys, but great sorrows as well probably because of the greater amount of expectations which become unconsciously associated with their partner. A lower but equally coveted tier in the hierarchy of "belonging" is the clique; the latter comprises of close friends which the individual can most identify with or relate to and their number may vary from as few as two or three to up to four & more.
As in a relationship, there are certain expectations which an individual in a clique may make of his friends but usually, these expectations are not as great as those he expects of his partner. Nonetheless, a lack in meeting up to these expectations would, in both cases, result in feelings that may be as minor as irritation to sumthing as extreme as betrayal of trust. On the whole, a sense of "belonging" is almost necessary for the emotional & mental well-being of an individual because it allows him the space to be his "true" self amongst others that accept him. In a nutshell, it is the anodyne to loneliness...
in case you were wondering, i am NOT writing a thesis for animal behaviour, sociology, psychology etc. i am merely trying to explain to myself certain aspects of my past behaviour which had befuddled me. why did i do this or that at that point in time of my life? how were my actions related to this intrinsic need for a sense of "belonging"? i think by asking myself these questions, i am able to make sense of the insanity that drove me to desperate measures in my past.
in the midst of all these philosophical baggage, i have a confession to make; throughout my teenage years as a junior college student and national serviceman, i was one of the loneliest, pathetic and confused piece of shit that ever lived but knowing tjay & zaq after my ORD was the most liberating event in my life. not only did i finally find my sexual identity (hehe), i also found a sense of belonging. a year later, i became involved in a relationship wif a certain sumone who became so assimiliated in my life that he moved in the same social circle as i did & even shared my clique of close friends. however, after eight months, i ended this relationship because it eventually became too suffocating and morale-debilitating. nonetheless, i was never really free from it as wherever i went, he would always be around, hanging out wif the pple that i usually hang out wif. hence, i began to grow dissatisfied & aggravated by his presence. i was with my clique; but i didnt feel as if i belonged anymore because of him... and therefore to save my sanity, i chose to dissociate myself from my own friends and carve my own niche sumwhere else (& so, here i am today ;p ).
human emotions are complex and our lives are elaborate. as we grow older, it becomes all the more difficult for us to make friends, especially worthwhile ones (probably attributed to our fast-paced lifestyles). i used to have a number of old secondary mates who kept bugging me to keep in touch until they've all but given up on me. i guess the reason why i've never bothered is because i know i couldnt trust them enough to accept my "true" self. moreover, i already have my own "clique" and a sense of belonging wif a partner. for all these, i am grateful though i'm aware that i've fallen into a false sense of security. at any rate, i've found that "somewhere i belong."
now comes the part of sheer lunacy; why do i still feel lonely? and if i wasnt... if i've simply mistaken one complex emotion for sumthing else, then what am i doing here blogging in the wee hours of the morning??
it must be the caffeine in my system. if that's the case, then this blog entry is juz much ado about nothing... ;p
