nope.. today's blog entry title is nothing original; it's actually the title to a celine dion favorite from one of her more recent albums (i think). Personally, i disapprove of madame celine for her unabashed commercialism & her penchant for releasing show-stopping love ballads year after year, whose only difference from one another seem to be the length of their song-title. Apologies for digressing but seriously, i am wondering of this moment... where does my heart beat now??
i have just put down the fone wif my significant other and my mind has been set into motion yet again about the circumstances & the nature of our relationship. I dont often air our issues so overtly here in my bloggy (& i'm not about to start now.. i dont think it's fair for that significant other of mine) yet i feel a sense of melancholia somehow.. an unfulfillment deep within.
what is love? what are its permutations? what constitutes love??? throughout my years of adulthood, i've tried so hard to define love at its purest state; at its essence and not to judge it so superficially. i've tried my best to look past the material benefits; to count not the tangible goods but the intangible qualities that can make that intimate relationship worthwhile... i tell myself to expect less from my partner because to expect any more would probably result in disappointment & heartbreak rather than elation. i have lived by this mantra all my life; i have breathed it every single day... but time & again i am deluded. I come away empty & dissatisfied... wif a queer distaste lingering within the very marrow of my soul.
why is this so??
sometimes, i'm not too sure what love is... when someone says "i love you" to another, almost at once i begin to weigh the validity of such a sweeping yet significant statement. is it a love of one's looks? love of one's character? love of one's potential for material wealth? Or perhaps its deeper... ? Some people are attracted to opposites of themselves while others look for individuals who match them in character, intelligence, interests.. etc. Some are attracted to individuals they can look up to, others need to be attached to people who depend on them while yet others just need an equal whom they can engage in verbal sparring. At the end of the day, your lover is not only a person with whom you can make love with, but he/she should also be the one you can confide to & depend on for emotional support... Love shouldn't be a one man sport, it's a doubles game. (however, if one person is left playing the game by himself for too long, i recommend that he look for a better playing partner somewhere else instead)
what happens then when these basic criteria become unfulfilled? Love in name but not in spirit???
yet love is a complicated business that defies all rules, conventions & definitions. why do abused wives decide to stay married to their abusive husbands? why do puppy-dog boyfriends stay attached to demanding girlfriends? why are most songs on radio basically about love, love, love and nothing else but love??? it is certainly the intrinsic need for every individual to feel loved... But what does it mean to "feel loved"? to feel a sense of security? to feel that there's someone out there worshipping you? to take care of you? to make you feel less alone in this big, crazy universe?? to accept you for who you really are, warts and all, unconditionally???
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return" is what Baz Luhrman would like us to believe in his critically acclaimed Moulin Rouge. I used to believe it... I was determined to believe in this fairytale catchphrase. however, i'm not too sure what kind of love luhrman was referring to...
sometimes in the midst of all my postulations and musings.. my mind will just go blank... and evrything i've ever thought i had figured out would come crashing down like a ton of bricks. and then all i can say about love is that.. it is only a fleeting instant; Love is that half a moment when you look into another person's eyes or when you hold someone in your embrace and in your mind's eye suddenly, you know, without a flicker of doubt, that you're in love... a love that has no tangible meaning, that is ageless and has no boundaries.
And then, alas! quick as a flash, that instant is gone... and i'm left wondering... where does my heart beat now...
ps: my apologies if i havent been exactly lucid in this blog entry. these are only my musings.. do not perceive them with too much gravity (yet do not disregard them so hastily either... ;p ).
