The weekend is drawing to a close. I just came back from a barbeque/chalet at downtown east which was held to commemorate my cousin's 21st birthday. I'm glad that I went and helped out with the preparations because if I hadnt, it would have been very taxing for him, seeing how short of manpower he was. I know how important birthdays are to some people and being his cousin, I guess I had a certain obligation to fulfill. Moreover, the 21st year is considered to be the turning point in life for most people and thus, it's understandable that he would wanna signify it with some kind of memorable event. How could I begrudge him that joy by denying him my assistance??? (I do remember vividly however, that MY 21st birthday was a rather sad and dull affair...*sniff* ) I'm abit miffed though, with some of my cousin's so-called "close friends"; Seriously, I know there are people in this world who just abhor barbeques but to just sit down and expect to be served like they're the maharajah or something, really takes the cake~!
Oh well.. it's all over and so here I am, back in the squalor of the room which I share (most unwillingly) with my brother. Even as I'm typing away (furiously) at my keyboard right now, there he is in his half of the room, watching television like nobody's business. I wonder if he feels what I feel; that each of us is an irritant to the other... a potential transgressor of each other's most valuable (and meagre) personal space. In some ways, we have acclimatized ourselves such that we tune out each other's presence but then, this is not so easily done when the blare of the television is ringing thru' my head. Add to that, the chitter chatter of my two nieces (who quibble more often than not) and I can assure you that sometimes, the pandemonium in my room rivals that of the warzone in Iraq. But of course, I exaggerate; and I really adore my nieces... though oftentimes, I just wish I had another life someplace else... A place where I could be alone.
Perhaps I am just exhausted but then my fatigue seems to extend beyond the physical; it afflicts even my spirit. I think I've kept up with so many facades that I hardly know who I am anymore. It is so easy to put on a smile and amuse others with my clownish alter-ego; to laugh and make merry as if I hadnt a care in the world. Yet, in the deepest depths of my soul, I am screaming...
I am infuriated with myself for the hypocrisy I seem to demonstrate; I scoff at good-for-nothing delinquent youths who hang out at the playground in my neighbourhood til the wee hours of the morning but in truth, I'm not much better than them. I loathe those who shirk their responsibilities and delude themselves in escapist, delusional activites yet I am, in essence, one of them. I am a vagrant and a shameless bum. A lousy dreamer who aspires but who does not achieve. Perhaps I hadnt tried hard enough, hadnt believed in myself enough but it seems that I'm running in circles all the time. "Good things come to those who wait" or so the old adage goes but I've been waiting for almost a year already and I've grown weary of waiting... Even the smallest of ants have their own niche, their own role to play in their community. Not I; I have yet to find my place in this world.. have yet to discover my value in this society.
My constant internal tumult, and the social masks that I've been forced to hide behind, have inadvertently caused grievous pain to those dearest to my heart and hence, I am filled with immeasurable remorse. Despite this apparent awareness, I feel so powerless; in my own eyes, I have ceased to be in control of the reins of my life. I see myself sliding downwards, sucked into a whirlpool of despair... flailing and gasping for air constantly, and knowing that somehow, if a miracle does not happen soon, I'd drown.
Until I've achieved that fulfilment which I've been seeking, I will merely exist in this world... not knowing what it feels like to truly live.
