Last saturday, my grandmother passed away. Actually, she wasnt really my grandmother but the younger sister of my REAL grandmother; I just don't know the proper term to call her by (maybe she's my grandaunt??). Whatever the case, I don't really know her very well and thus, am not qualified to say that I'm sad or depressed over her demise. She is almost a stranger to me... Yet, to say that I'm completely unaffected is not the truth either.
Maybe I'm just slightly bitter that both my maternal and paternal grandparents passed away when I was very little and I have no memory of them whatsoever. Hence, I always get a tad envious when my friends speak of their doting grandpa or grandma... On the other hand, maybe it isnt such a big deal afterall... ;)
There were several tear-stained faces that day; a couple of aunties were even in hysterics as they were unable to control their (apparent) grief. Probably it was more in shock than the latter because from what I've heard, my grandaunt was a very intolerant and exacting woman and she had a kind of imperious mien about her that could command both respect and even.. dislike. A few months prior to her death, I've heard one aunt confide in me (most earnestly) how fussy and difficult-to-manage grandaunt was despite her physical feebleness. Thus, as I watched those who came to pay their last respects to grandaunt, I had to wonder which of them were truly sorrowful that she had gone and which few were actually secretly rejoicing...
It is a sad thing if someone is rejoicing over your death. But I've learnt (in the most painful means) that death is more often than not, a complicated business. Grief over the loss of a loved one is sometimes the prevalent emotion but it may conceal more complex undercurrents such as guilt, remorse, anger, helplessness and confusion...
At the void-deck, as I watched her shrouded corpse being placed in the coffin and carried to the undertaker's van, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of dejavu... of an earlier time, in another place, on another sunny afternoon...
