A few months ago, someone accused me of "shutting out" people from my life. Even back then, I did not deny the veracity of that assertion. Perhaps it's simply a consequence of my inability to communicate my intentions well enough to other people. Or my tendency to conceal my innermost thoughts and feelings, and to dismiss certain issues rather than to discuss them openly. I am finding it difficult to sleep tonight because I feel as if a great vortex of emotions are swirling inside of me... Am I just too egoistic to admit my faults or am I suffering from a more serious dysfunction???
But then, if I were to give voice to the endless doubts, insecurities and fears that beseige my very being, will it solve anything or merely be the source of more aggravation?? Yes, I admit that I keep numerous things to myself; so much so that at times, I think I'm eating myself alive... Maybe it's a kind of self-defense mechanism which I've developed and perfected through the years; to withdraw into my shell whenever I feel threatened or vulnerable, much like the tiny snail that crawls upon the curb. Sometimes, I wish I could just remain cloistered in my room and keep my door closed from the world. That when I finally manage to sleep tonight, I would never have to wake up again...
*haiz* So many meaningless words, so many morose thoughts~! I'm definitely abit deranged tonight. Must be the result of too much coffee...
