Some people regard blogging as a revelatory experience -- The weblog (aka blog) is a place to vent their anger and frustrations, to proclaim their hopes and dreams, and an avenue toward discovering a reconciliation within themselves. In a way, this "confessional" enables one to sleep at night with a clear conscience so that it'll be a little easier to go through the motions of living again on the next day. As such, blogging is, more often than not, a highly personal activity -- and anything very personal is almost a sacred thing. But therein lies the conundrum of blogging; How do you attempt to balance the need for a private space (within an arena where privacy is often not sacrosanct) with the need to give your innermost thoughts a Voice to be heard by others?
Perhaps that is why I am always reluctant to confide in my blog whenever I am seized by intense emotions; I am afraid that I would lose control of myself and disclose something which I'd rather not reveal. On the one hand, I believe that most fears and paranoia are common to everyone -- the fear of rejection, the feeling of hopelessness and being a failure, etc, etc -- yet on the other hand, there is that overwhelming phobia that any frank admission of one's flaws and weaknesses would only be the catalyst for that thing which I (or anyone else, I think) am most frightened of... pity. And there is the shame, of course, of letting oneself be carried away by unwarranted emotions and babbling out all the little secrets of your life to something as inanimate as a blog.
But then, the blog is not truly inanimate. It is like a little signboard by the side of the road and pedestrians walking by may choose to stop for a minute and actually notice what-the-hell you're writing about. And these pedestrians -- comprising of friends, acquaintances or simply strangers -- will form judgments about that self which you have depicted in so many words in your blog. Whether positive in nature or not, the idea of being perceived through a non-interactive medium such as this, is quite discomforting. I imagine it's like standing naked behind the glass display window at one of the boutiques at Takashimaya and not being able to hear what passers-by are saying about you. Being the typical conservative Asian that I am, avoiding embarrasing situations like the plague has become something instinctual -- hence, I would think twice (or thrice) before translating my exact thoughts into writing. Perhaps, this self-censorship is merely a consequence of the fear that not a single soul out there would even care an iota about what I have to say...
Why am I rattling on like this to begin with?? -- I think it's because I'm having a bout of insomnia tonight and try as I might, I just can't close my eyes and will the nagging voices in my head to drown in the blackness of sleep. Honestly, I feel as if there is a dam inside of me that is about to burst... A thousand and one thoughts circling around in my mind like a flock of ravenous vultures ready to pounce upon an injured oxen or deer the minute it suddenly collapses onto the ground from sheer exhaustion. My sanity is that ox, deer or what-have-you and it's really just a step away from being a carrion -- feed for the the myriad of emotions that run amok in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul...
However, I must confess that the process of organising my thoughts to write this entry has quelled my conflicting feelings to a large extent, and I am now prepared to finally publish this post, switch off my PC and sensibly go to sleep...
